Handling Sexual Harassment  When it Happens to You
Bernice R. Sandler

Sexual harassment is a public problem requiring institutions to develop public strategies to prevent and stop it. However, individuals often need an array of their own strategies to use when sexual harassment strikes.

Here are some responses that individuals may find helpful when faced with sexual overtures, sexist remarks, sexual jokes and the like. The idea in many of these strategies is to break the cycle of sexual harassment by doing something unexpected. Not everyone will be comfortable with all of these responses nor are all appropriate for every situation. Some harassers will keep on harassing no matter what you do or say.

These strategies may also encourage you to develop other strategies on your own. If you have strategies to share, send them along to me and we'll try to publish a sequel to this article.

Keep in mind that many people who experience sexual harassment and feel uncomfortable may initially not recognize the behavior as sexual harassment. Often there is a tendency on the part of the person who experienced the behavior and others she may tell about it to minimize or deny the behavior by saying "I'm sure he didn't really mean it," or "It's really no big deal," or "I must be imagining this." Sometimes if the harasser is a respected person, someone in authority, or a close friend, denial and shock may set in so that the person who is harassed is simply unable to deal with the incident(s) for several days or weeks.

Strategies

•   The "Miss Manners' Approach: "I beg your pardon!" This, coupled with strong facial expressions of shock, dismay and disgust can be used whenever you cannot think of anything else to say or do. A variant of this is "I can't believe you actually said that!" or “I’m speechless!”

•   Naming or Describing the Behavior: "That comment is offensive to women; it is unprofessional and probably is sexual harassment. That behavior has to stop," or, "This is the third time you have put your arm around me. I don't like it and I don't want you to do that anymore."

•   Pretending Not to Understand: This is particularly useful with sexist or sexual remarks and jokes. You keep a deadpan expression and state that you "don't get the point of this" or "I don't understand what this means." Follow up by asking the person to repeat whatever it is they just said, and again claim that you don't understand what they mean. There is nothing worse for a joke-teller or someone who thinks he or she has made a clever remark than to be told that someone didn't "get it." Keep claiming you don't understand the point of the remark or joke. Hopefully, the other person will understand that the behavior is inappropriate, but even if the joke-teller does not, he or she may not make these remarks to you anymore, believing that you have no sense of humor or because you are not responding to the "jokes" in the way the speaker wanted.

•   Using Humor: Humor and playfulness are good ways to handle these issues if you can think of something immediately because they connote strength. They are ways of saying that the comment didn't get to you and did not accomplish what the speaker wanted it to do, which typically is to make you uncomfortable. Unfortunately, many of us think of wonderful funny remarks later, when they aren't needed. However, here are some standard responses, which, said lightly and jokingly, might be useful:

"Uh-Oh! That's sexual harassment -- you had better watch out before you get in big trouble."

"Is this a test to see how I handle sexual harassment? (This could also be said without humor. See previous suggestion.)

"Are you sexually harassing me again? I'm going to have to call the sexual harassment committee ( EEOC, my attorney, the affirmative action officer, etc.) right now."

Sometimes in an attempt to cope with sexually harassing remarks, women may laugh at the harasser's behavior, joke back at the harasser, or initiate sexual joking or a sexual discussion. This behavior is rarely successful in stopping sexual harassment because the harasser does not recognize that the behavior is not welcomed by the woman and thus continues the behavior.

•   The Sexual Harassment Notebook: Buy a notebook and write in bold letters on the cover, "Sexual Harassment." When the behavior happens, take out the notebook and casually state "Could you say that again? I want to write it down." Make a big show of asking for the date, time, checking the place you are at, etc. If asked why you are writing things down, you can blandly say, "I'm just writing things down" or "I'm thinking of writing a book about sexual harassment." (Should the harasser(s) grab the notebook - a rare response - just walk away from the situation.)

•   The Sexual Harassment Research Project: This is a variant of the Sexual Harassment Notebook and is particularly helpful in dealing with recurrent sexual harassment, including harassment by a group. Upon hearing the remark, whip out a form (written in advance) and say "I'm so glad you said that. I'm doing research on sexual harassment. Would you mind if I ask you some questions?" The questions are about sexual harassment, such as "How often do you do this?" "How do you choose people to harass?" "Do you discuss this with your girl friend or your mother?" etc. You can make up your own form or a women's center might be willing to come up with a form that could actually be compiled. A ready-made form called the Confrontation Survey is also available from the DC Rape Crisis Center, P.O. Box 21005, Washington, DC 20009.

•   Writing a Letter to the Perpetrator: This technique, developed by Mary Rowe at the Massachusetts Institute for Technology, has been extraordinarily successful in dealing with sexual harassment as well as other forms of interpersonal conflict. The letter consists of three parts:

Part I. The writer describes what happened in a very factual manner without any evaluative words, such as "Last week you called me a "bitch" and a "whore." Usually people agree about the facts but disagree about the interpretation of those facts. What the letter does is separate the facts from the feelings.

Part II. The writer describes how she feels about the incident(s), again, without evaluating the perpetrator, such as "I am very upset with this behavior. I find it offensive." "I look at you and I want to throw up."

Part III. This part is usually very short, describing what the writer wants to have happen next: "I want this behavior to stop at once," or "I want to be treated in a professional manner, the way every employee [student] has a right to be treated."

Typically, the letter is sent by certified mail, return receipt requested, which is a way of impressing upon the recipient that this is an important letter. (If it were just one or two sexist remarks, one might put the letter in the perpetrator's box.) The idea of having the person sign for the letter is a good one. Additionally, sending the letter by certified mail provides the writer with evidence that the letter was received. Should the harassment continue, the letter can be used as evidence that sexual harassment existed and, along with the receipt, show that the person harassed took steps to inform the perpetrator that the behavior was unwelcome.

The writer keeps a copy of the letter, but does not send a copy of it to anyone else. If, for example, the letter said "cc: the Dean" the recipient of the letter might charge into the Dean's office in an attempt to destroy the credibility of the writer. The letter works best if it is a private communication between two individuals.

The letter is successful about 90-95 percent of the time. It will not work with a very hostile person, someone who is sadistic, or with groups of harassers. Most of the time the harasser says nothing but stops the behavior. Once in a while the harasser wants to apologize or explain, but it is best not to get into a discussion of the behavior. Simply say, "I 'm not going to discuss it. I just want the behavior to stop."

•   Keep a diary or some sort of record if sexual harassment happens more than once or if you experience a single serious incident: Write down the date, time, place, witnesses, what happened and what was your response. Many months later it might be important to remember these details. Writing down what happened also can provide a better sense of what is happening, how often, when and where. Should you want to bring the information to someone in a position of authority or file a formal complaint, the written information can be considered as evidence that harassment was occurring.

•   Don't just ignore sexual harassment in the hope that it will go away. It won't. When women ignore sexual harassment it often is interpreted as a sign of approval -- "She didn't say anything so she must really like it." Being quiet about sexual harassment often allows it to continue. However, ignoring sexual harassment when you feel unsafe is a wise idea. If you feel unsafe (particularly if you are alone and in an isolated area), your first priority is to get out of the situation and go somewhere else. You can deal with what happened later.

•   Talk to others. You are probably not the only one who is being harassed by this person. Virtually all harassers are serial harassers; their behavior with you is not likely to have been an isolated incident.

•   Read your institution's policy, brochures, and any other materials it publishes on sexual harassment. This may help you understand more about sexual harassment and help you decide whether to use the institution's resources to deal with it.

•   Send a copy of the institution's policy or other materials regarding sexual harassment to the person who is making you uncomfortable, with the appropriate sections underlined. If you do not want to send it under your name, often a women's group will send it, along with a note indicating that they thought it might be of interest to the recipient.

•   If you are a union member, talk to your union representative.

•   If you are experiencing psychological stress, you may want to speak with a counselor or mental health professional who understands the problems that sexual harassment can cause. Similarly, if you are experiencing physical symptoms (which can be caused by stress) consult a physician.

•   Report the behavior to the appropriate person, such as the individual in charge of sexual harassment. You can bring a friend with you if that will make you feel more comfortable. The person in charge should be able to offer you options about how the situation could be handled, including informal and formal actions that the you and/or the institution could take. For example, the institution could contact your unit or department without mentioning your name and provide training to those within it, noting that the institution is concerned about sexual harassment in that unit. (This is especially warranted if the harassment was public or if several persons complained abut it.) A letter, with the policy enclosed, can also be sent to the harasser, reminding that person that the institution will not tolerate sexual harassment. The person in charge might also choose to speak directly to the offender , informing that person that such behaviors may violate the institution's policy as well as federal law prohibiting sexual harassment. Whatever action the person in charge takes within the organization should include a statement about the prohibition of retaliation, along with examples of it. You might want to request that the person in charge speak directly to the alleged offender about the organization's prohibition against retaliation.

If you are willing, the person in charge may be able to arrange a carefully prepared meeting with you and the harasser to confront the issue and work out some sort of resolution. Be aware, however, that there is no requirement in law, nor should there be one in the policy, that you meet with the harasser if you do not want to.

Sometimes mediation is offered as a way to resolve sexual harassment issues. Traditional mediation is not always appropriate and should be used with great care. (See "Mediating Sexual Harassment" by Howard Gadlin in Sexual Harassment on Campus: A Guide for Administrators, Faculty, and Students, Bernice R. Sandler and Robert J. Shoop, ed., Allyn and Bacon, 1997.)  If you decide that you want to engage in mediation be sure that mediator is experienced in mediating sexual harassment complaints. Ask what the mediation is expected to achieve, and have the person describe in great detail what the process will involve.

In some instances mediation techniques are used without the parties involved having to meet. The mediator goes back and forth between you and the harasser, talking to each separately, in order to work out a resolution. By such means, the mediator may, for example, help the offender to agree to reevaluate your work (or have someone else do it), to stop the behavior, not retaliate and/or apologize in writing. At the same time the mediator may help you to agree not to file a formal charge. The harasser, the institution and you may agree to keep the information confidential unless there is another instance of sexual harassment by the offender.

•   Keep records of all contacts with the institution. If you feel your complaint is not taken seriously or handled appropriately, go up the administrative ladder and talk to someone else. Remember that once you have informed the appropriate person, the institution has a legal obligation to stop the harassment whether or not you file a formal complaint and even if you do not put the complaint in writing. If the harassment does not stop, consider other options.

•   File a formal complaint. If informal methods, such as those listed above, have not stopped the harassment, are inappropriate (e.g., the harassment includes attempted rape and other forms of sexual assault that are too serious for informal procedures), or are otherwise unacceptable to you (perhaps because you want the individual punished), you should file a formal complaint. Generally this is done within the institution. However, when the organization or institution fails to respond appropriately, i.e., to stop the harassment after informal or formal complaints are made, you want to file charges outside of the institution, either with the appropriate governmental agency or through the courts. Formal options are described below:

-- Filing a formal complaint with your institution. Read the policy and talk to knowledgeable people about how the policy operates and what has happened in the past. (To evaluate the adequacy of your institution's policy see "Elements of a Good Policy" by Bernice R. Sandler in Sandler and Shoop, eds., Sexual Harassment on Campus: A Guide for Administrators, Faculty, and Students, Allyn and Bacon, 1997.)  

Ask if the people who will hear and investigate your case have had any training in sexual harassment issues.

Ask how many formal complaints have been filed in the last few years and what the outcomes were.

Ask to talk to someone who has filed a formal complaint and used the procedures.

Ask in advance to ensure that both you and the accused will have the same rights and access to information. (In some proceedings the accused has been able to bring an advocate or an attorney to the proceedings, and have character witnesses, but the person bringing the complaint was not allowed to do so.)

Ask about time frames, and how long it will take for the entire process, including any appeals if allowed.

Confirm in writing your understanding of any conversations between you and the person who informed you of your rights, ending the note with a statement such as, "If I do not hear from you by next Friday, I will assume my understanding about the process is correct."

-- Filing a Title IX complaint with the Office for Civil Rights at the U.S. Department of Education. You can obtain more information about the Title IX complaint process from the Department of Education in Washington. Title IX covers all students and employees in institutions receiving federal aid or assistance, including financial aid. You do not need an attorney to file a complaint, although you retain the right to file a Title IX lawsuit should you later desire to do so. The investigation and findings may take a while but sometimes you can speed up the process by asking your two Senators and your Representative to write the Secretary of Education, asking that they be kept informed of the progress and results of the investigation.

-- Filing a Title VII complaint with the U.S. Equal Employment Opportunity Commission, (EEOC) ,Washington, DC or with your state's Fair Employment Practices Commission. The state and federal commissions work closely together. Title VII only covers employees, including student employees. You do not need an attorney to file a complaint. Should you desire to file a lawsuit under Title VII you will need permission (usually given) from the EEOC.

-- Filing a civil lawsuit. In addition to lawsuits files under Title IX and Title VII described earlier, civil lawsuits can be filed under state law, covering such areas as "intentional infliction of harm."

-- Pressing charges of sexual assault or sexual abuse if appropriate. Unwanted touching of one's private parts, such as breasts or genitals constitutes sexual assault or abuse in many states. Sexual assault or attempted sexual assault are illegal in every state. Report what happened to the police. You may want to take a friend with you when you report these allegations.

Last, but not least, work within your institution for preventive training and education programs, good policies and effective implementation.

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This article appeared in the Fall 1997 issue of About Women on Campus, the former newsletter of the National Association for Women in Education.





Bernice R. Sandler, Senior Scholar in Residence at the Women's Research and Education Institute, consults extensively with institutions and others about women's equity, including sexual harassment, discrimination, and the chilly climate. She has given over 2000 presentations, written many articles, and serves as an expert witness in discrimination cases. Sandler can be contacted at:

Bernice R. Sandler
Senior Scholar, Women's Research and Education Institute
1350 Connecticut Avenue, Suite 850, Washington, DC 20036
Phone: 202 833 3331   Fax: 202 785 5605
E-mail: sandler@bernicesandler.com
Website: bernicesandler.com